AllNiteRadio’s resident relationship therapist, SadaqaSadaqaX transforms her advice into SADAQALATIONS
I am looking for advice on moving on from an ex-boyfriend. I know everyone has their crazy stories and thinks they are all terrible and I’m sure you have heard worse, but this one’s a real kicker. We met in college and dated for about a year and a half. When we first started hanging out he told me he had an older brother die in a car accident while he was in high school. He lied. The whole time we dated he let me believe this about him and feel sorry for him. He always added to the story and I always thought something was funny about it but why would someone make up such a horrendous lie? It was a touchy subject so I never brought it up to anyone else. One time when I was visiting his hometown he took me to the “place of the accident”. He proceeded to always add to this lie by telling me stories about him and his “brother” from when they were young. The whole year and a half he proceeded to put me second all the time to his friends because drinking on the weekends was more important. I am not one to go out drinking like he was. Everyone told me they saw I wasn’t happy but I thought I loved the guy. We would talk about the future and how we wanted the same things in life.
When we broke up he told me he needed time to just figure himself out and be him for a while; he didn’t want to drag me around while he did that. He wrote me a sappy letter telling me how he will always love me and that he knows he has to do this now so we can have a future together. A month later was when I found out he lied about some other things so I asked about his brother because my curious mind couldn’t find an obituary, news article about the accident, or anything. He said he had no idea why he made up this huge lie. I also found out he told his girlfriend before me the same exact thing. Well, it has been almost a year now since we broke up. He is dating someone new and I’ve been talking to a new guy but I feel like my past is holding me back from the relationship I deserve with this great guy.
At this point I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know my ex-boyfriend is a dick and I should stop thinking about him, but it seems like I’m forever hung up on him. Please any advice can help.
Forever Hung Up
Dear Forever Hung UP….
Even a bad relationship, is still a relationship. And when that relationship ends, you will mourn it and it will take time for you to heal. It sounds to me that you are still healing from this relationship that was peppered with manipulative lies. If you haven’t done this already, it is important that you create physical and mental space from your ex. You do this by blocking him on all social media and on your phone. Send him straight to voice mail and avoid responding to his messages. I don’t know if you live in a small town, but try to not hang out in the places where you know he might be. While, I’m sure you will not feel connected to your ex, forever, it does sound like there’s a piece of you that is still connected for now. I’m also wondering how you will be successful with entering into a new relationship, when you haven’t finished processing the old one. If the guy you’re currently seeing is heading towards becoming serious, I encourage you to have a candid conversation with him (spare him all of the intricate details, but try something like, “My last relationship was kind of crazy and while I’m no longer interested in being in that relationship, I’m still processing some of the things that happened”) If you find that you’re still “hung up” longer than you’re comfortable with, I encourage you to consult a therapist to develop the tools that you need in order to move forward.